On Endings...

So yes, this is the end to the Emma love saga. Bottom line, I am attracted to only boys with girlfriends, and sometimes that attraction is nonetheless reciprocated. And, lucky me, sometimes it just gets carried a little too far. And this is the end. He no longer needs to make any decisions because I have. I am done. The pain isn't worth it and I can't handle the hurting and crying anymore. I've shed too many tears over this and I can't do it anymore.

Wishful thinking is a waste of time and energy. Trust me, I know. Wishes are pointless. They never come true. As much as you want something to happen, and you're sure it could, it won't. Because in the end, it's not up to you. It's up to the people around you. And people don't change.

The End.

On All You People...

So it has obviously been quite a while since I last wrote on this blog. So I started a new one, strictly dance related. But I think I may continue to post on this one every so often just to vent about my life. Not that I have anything really to vent about right now. I had a wonderful Christmas, and I'm planning on a happy New Year! But there is one thing on my mind...

Is anybody reading me? Anyone? Are you out there?

On Endings...

So I have officially performed my last game as a Dazzler. It's bittersweet really... I'm not sure if I'm excited or upset because I will never again put on that uniform and "dazzle" for stands filled with cheering students and parents. I will never again do that dreaded kickline that last forever. It is very hard to me to think about this... I just stood there on the field with my parents after they called my name after my last pregame, and I just bawled my eyes out. The thing is, the fact that it's all over still hasn't sunken in. It hasn't hit me that I will be graduating soon!! And it probably won't even make an impression until I'm walked across that stage in my cap and gown and I'll realize I'll never go back to high school. I don't even know what to do about that. I definitely want to get out of here, but I just don't want this amazing experience that is high school to be over. I know I have a bunch more months to go, I'm just freaking out I guess.

But it isn't over yet, and I suppose I should follow the famous quote;

"Don't cry because it's over. Smile because it happened."

:)

On Swine Flu...

So I'm sick. Don't worry, I don't have swine flu! Well even if I did, you shouldn't be worried because I'm pretty sure you can't catch a physical sickness through a website...

But I'm really not feeling well. Let's just clear something up really quick, I absolutely despise being sick. Now granted, nobody LIKES to be sick, but I'm kind of afraid of it. I'm not a hypochondriac, well just a little, but I'm deathly afraid of throwing up. Like 100% afraid. I haven't puked since third grade, and every time I get the sniffles, I freak out cause I don't want to puke. Like I said, it scares me.

So that's my beef for today. I don't feel like blogging... I'm too sick...

On Friends, Games, and the Occasional Backstabber... Basically On My Weekend...

So this past weekend... ugh to the double UGH. It just basically sucked, with a glimmer of happiness on Saturday night. So Friday, there was a football game. Us versus our biggest rivals. I was running late for the game and had to be there because I perform with the dance team. So I'm in the left turning lane, sitting there, with a guy in front of me, waiting to get into the parking lot, when I see this lady crossing the street. No big deal right? Well you would think so, but for some reason I couldn't stop watching her. It was like God glued my eyes to this woman. And then before I know it, some freak from the other road makes a left turn and hits this woman! She flies a gagillion feet in the air, lands on the hood of the car and rolls off onto the pavement. Talk about the most paralyzing, traumatic sight of my life! I just sat there, in my Jeep Cherokee, with my hands over my open mouth and my eyes so wide, they probably took up my entire face. I was in the biggest shock ever. So of course eventually the police, fire truck, and ambulance came, and I just sat there in the traffic for about fifteen more minutes before I finally was able to pull into the parking lot and run to the stands and just cry the story to everyone. I was shaking so bad... It was awful. I hope I never have to witness anything like that ever again.

So then during the game... Ok so here's the history you need to know: our drumline is VERY serious. They have a lot of fun, but we like to be a little competitive. So every year, there is a drum off between us and the aforementioned rivals. Last year, one of the guys put baby powder in the cymbals so that when he crashed them it was like Drumline, with the freakin awesome cloud. So a different guy this year decides he's going to renact it. Ok cool it'll be sweet right? WRONG. He goes and crashes them a couple times, and of course there's the awesome cloud, but then the center snare from the opposing line gets all up in our guy's face and shoves him. So our band director came in and stopped the whole thing before a fight broke out. And then there were kids from the other side over on our side picking fights and mouthing off to cops and stuff. It was really bad and some kids got suspended. O and one guy got arrested. The thing is, I don't live in a very violent community. But when these two schools get together... O it's like all hell breaks loose.

So after the game... Band party... Does anyone else feel like their best friends aren't really friends at all? Like my two supposedly best friends, lately, have taken a keen liking to this game that they play called Let's Not Tell Emma Things. Now maybe it's not a game, but they run off and have little conversations that I'm not supposed to know about. They literally hid from me and ran away this time. Which pisses me off. Some friends right? I just don't like all this keep away and secretive crap. ANYWAYS...

Saturday... was a good ish day. I realized how poor I am, but I got to go out with some people and we saw The Invention Of Lying (which was really good by the way). But then I couldn't sleep so I ended up only getting 45 minutes of shut eye that night, only to wake up at 7 30 on Sunday morning to serve mass. And then on Sunday, I have a meeting for senior directors for drama.

I think I might quit. I seriously feel like I have no opinion, and no say in anything that happens. The one thing I really wanted in this show, the number that would be my pride and joy, is now gone. History. POOF. Which upsets me deeply. Not only that, but I also feel like I'm always the one to work my schedule around everyone else's. I can never be accomodated. Now I'm not trying to be selfish here, but really. I am one of the most dedicated people in the group, and I never get to be there to represent our group. We are now having meeting with our actual drama director, and of course I can't be there because I have class. I'M SO PISSED. I seriously might quit, because frankly, this show no longer has any of me in it. Therefore, I could be doing much better things with my time.

So yah, not a good weekend. Not to mention that I have guy issues and can't figure out my feelings and I'm stupid.

I'm done.

On Jerkfaces...

So I have this crazy scale for people. I have four levels: meanie face, stupid head, loser face, and jerkface. Jerkface is my highest insult. It's like taking every cuss you can think of, string them together, and that's what a jerkface is for me. Most people don't even make it onto the scale, and if they do, it's only meanie face. For the longest time there was only one jerkface on the list. Then within a week, two more made it onto the list. And so there were three. And then we decided that one wasn't at fault. So as of yesterday, there are only two on the jerkface list. This was a HUGE deal. It takes a lot to get yourself of the scale once you're on it. Let's just say that I'm very proud of this particular boy :) That's my spiel for the day.

You know, sometimes it only takes a little bit to completely change around a bad day and make you feel so much better. It's like they say, good things come in small packages. I've been having some really bad days lately, being frustrated and annoyed with the people around me. Not to mention that I feel like an old person when my knee yells at me. Anyway, my point is that it can be the littlest thing that gets you back on your feet.

Yesterday, we had practice after school for our dance team, the Dazzlers. I am the co-captiain for the dance half of the team (the other half is flag). Now I'd been having, again, a hard day. So after practice, I was waiting for my sister, and one of the little freshmen on the team was talking to me and we were just having a conversation and she told me that she liked me as leadership. It was like a perfect little pick me up. And for some reason, just this little comment made me feel so much better.

Sometimes you just take things like that for granted. We always think that for something to make a difference it needs to be big. It is the little things in life. It's the little things that make put people in a better mood, that help people, that make a difference. I always kinda knew that, but it took this one little comment to remind me how true it is. Maybe it wasn't a big deal. Maybe I'm just overreacting. But to me it was important. To me, it really made a difference.